Moan for me like Helen Keller
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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