We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
