Plan B is the new Plan A
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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