And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
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