there's paper in my vomit.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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