WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
