11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
