You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Randomize
