It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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