I got chris browned last night
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
