I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
