She went from zero to smokin in five shots
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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