I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
