I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
