I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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