life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
