theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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