What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
