can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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