I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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