An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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