How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
