you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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