I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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