oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
