lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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