Moan for me like Helen Keller
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
