So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
