So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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