So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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