So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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