I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
