We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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