This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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