Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Randomize
