So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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