a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
