That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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