dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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