im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
