is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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