i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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