I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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