Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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