you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
The Olympian is in my bed
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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