Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
