Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Randomize
