I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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