how can u be prego again
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
