I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
